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A Book of Manners 


INTRODUCTIONS 


important. Through it, a door is closed or opened according 
to impressions gained and givén. Each introduction is a 
chance for pleasant possibilities which may not occur again. 

Naturally as the result, introductions are the safeguards of 

society. Save by some rare chance, people do not become ac- 
quainted with each other except through a third person who 
knows both and who by the very act of presentation, implies his 
good faith in each. 
_ For instance, though it is always proper for old residents and 
for near neighbors to call on a newcomer, she will make her 
acquaintances most properly through a mutual friend. The best 
method, moreover, is to have a friend write about her to friends in 
the town to which she is moving. She will not then have to use 
the hold-up method of presenting her own notes of introduction 
and may trust to the courtesy of others to make the first move. 

The rules for introductions are very simple. 

A man is always-presented_to.a woman... = eee 

“Mrs. Brown, may I present Mr. Smith?”? #2<#-% “ee 

Or the briefer, more informal form is used. 

“Mrs. Brown—Mr. Smith.” 

When two men are introduced, the younger is presented to the 
older or the more distinguished. _It is the custom to introduce.an 
unmarried woman.to.a married. woman, though not if the un- 
married woman is evidently older. In the same way, in intro- 
ducing women to each other, it is tactful not to make a special 
point of age, unless the difference is marked. 

Children introduce their friends to their parents briefly. 

“Mother, this is John Brown.” 


O' ALL incidents in social life, the introduction is the most 


In a household where there are grown-up daughters, a mother 
will present them to her friends by saying, 

“Mrs. Brown—my daughter, Sarah.” 
or if her daughter is married, she will add, ““My daughter, Mrs. 
Burts: 

Naturally the names of people introduced should be pronounced 
distinctly. No one likes to be in doubt with whom he is talking. 
Moreover, if he does not catch the name, embarrassment and 
confusion may result. 

When two men are introduced, it is customary to shake hands. 

When a man is sitting as a woman comes into a room, he rises 
at once, and stands until he is presented. As his name is spoken, 
he bows, repeats her name, and may add, “I am very glad to meet 
you, or words to that effect. 

A hostess extends her hand to a man in token of a special 
greeting. But otherwise a woman bows slightly and says, “How 
do you do!” But only rarely and for some good reason does she 
extend her hand. 

If a man comes into a room where a woman is sitting, she waits 
for him to be presented to her and does not rise. | 

The rules for introducing women to each other are more elastic 
and depend on the number of persons present, on age, and on the 
occasion and the place. 

When an introduction happens on the street, in a house when 
two women who do not know each other chance to be calling, or at 
a small informal gathering, it is a matter of course that they should 
shake hands. But ina crowded room, this is obviously impossible. 
At the arrival of a newcomer, those who are near rise and shake 
hands with her as an acknowledgment of introduction by their 
hostess. But those at a distance, unless they are much younger 
and wish to show a courtesy to age, bow, repeat her name—and 
do not rise. ; 

A hostess must introduce all guests who meet at her house in- 
formally or who stay beneath her roof, who lunch or dine beside 
each other, who play bridge or some other game at the same table, 
or who happen to be standing near. But at a big formal tea or 
bridge or dance, she can not introduce each guest to all the others. 


[4] ; 


Nor is it necessary. It is the part of graciousness to see that they 
meet a few people, but after that they must fend for themselves. 

If, after an introduction, two people talk at any length together, 
one of them in parting is apt to say, “Good-bye, this has been a. 
pleasure” or “I hope that we may have the chance to meet again.” 
In that case, the other says simply “Thank you” or “I hope so 
too.” But she does not try to push a new acquaintanceship 
beyond this point. 

In leaving a room full of strangers, consideration for the hostess 
makes a mere nod to those who are standing nearest, the best and 
least obtrusive way of taking leave. But, of course, to a hostess 
one must say good-bye. 


CoNCERNING CALLS AND CARDS 


By THE world of fashion, calling cards had for many years an 

elaborate ritual. In late years, however, calling as a part of 
social life, is held to be old-fashioned, and except in diplomatic 
circles or the most formal social sets, cards are chiefly used for 
messages of condolence and congratulation, or for invitations to 
luncheons, bridge, or tea. The old so-called visiting list is also 
cast into the discard. 

Calling cards vary as to size, shape, and script with the fashion 
of the year. Any reliable stationer will show the prevailing styles. 
There are certain rules concerning them which never change. 

All visiting cards should be engraved. 

Initials and abbreviations should not be used except in the case 
of titles such as Dr. 

A married woman’s card should have her hhusband’s name in 
full, as, “Mrs. John Henry Turner’”—never “Mrs. Mary Turner.” 

A widow’s card should still bear her husband’s name. If, how- 
ever, her son is married, and bears his father’s name, his mother 
adds “Senior” to her name or has her card printed simply “Mrs. 
Turner,” leaving to her daughter-in-law the form she has used. 

The visiting card of the oldest unmarried daughter of a family 
used to read “Miss Turner.” To-day that rule is often broken and 
like her younger sister she uses her full name as, “Miss Helen 
Brayton Turner.” 


[5] 


Until a boy is in college, his card reads without the prefix, 
“Mr.” So, too, that of the young girl reads without the prefix 
“Muss” until she is sixteen. 

The cards of a divorced woman vary somewhat with the locality. 
Usually she prefers to use her unmarried name as though it were a 
first name, as “Mrs. Shepley Turner,” rather than “Mrs. Mary 
Turner.” 

The double card reading “Mr. and Mrs. John Henry Turner,” 
is used only 1 in paying the most formal visits, in regrets, in answer 
to formal 1 invitations, in sending invitations, and in sending gifts. 

Although calling in the old formal sense is out of fashion, there 
are still some occasions when calls must be made and cards be left. 

In the smaller communities when a new family moves into the 
neighborhood, it is only courteous for the women living near to 
call. The calls should not be made, however, until after four in 
the afternoon-and never until the newcomer has been given time 
to get her house in readiness for receiving guests. 

Unfailingly such calls should be returned promptly, though 
after that there is no further obligation. 

If even an informal tea has been given for a newcomer, or 
visiting guest, a card should be left for the hostess and her guest 
whether the invitation was accepted or refused. 

If the visiting guest wishes to take formal leave of those by 
whom she has been entertained, she mails her card with P.P.C. 
(Pour prendre congé) written in one corner. ‘This also holds good 
for a woman who is moving to a new town and has no time to 
make last calls upon her friends. 

If a letter of introduction is presented by one woman to another, 
it is good form before extending a first invitation to the stranger 
to call and leave a card. 

It is only too easy to follow the drift away from convention, 
but the simplest acts of courtesy are more than worth while; and 
for this reason there are many who prefer to acknowledge hospi- 
tality by party calls. 

Quite naturally in the case of sickness, one calls to inquire 
about a friend or an acquaintance, but in the case of a bereave- 
ment it is more considerate to send a card of sympathy. 


[6] 


When it is impossible to accept a tea or wedding invitation, 
and provided that it does not request an answer, cards are mailed 
the day before the entertainment is to occur. » 

It is customary, too, to mail a card to an out-of-town bride at 
the beginning of her “at homes.” The card, however, is regarded 
only as a substitute for a call which it is impossible to make. 

The well-trained maid uses, not her fingers, but a tray to 
receive a card from acaller. This tray she holds in her left hand. 
If the door is opened by a member of the family, the caller con- 
ceals her card, asks for the person whom she wishes to see, and 
gives her own name, if she is a stranger. 

If she is received, half an hour at the outside should cover her 
first call. When the visitor leaves, she may place on the tray a 
card of her own for every lady in the house and one of her hus- 
band’s for every lady and gentleman. Since, however, there are 
times when this might mean a sheaf of cards, three of each has 
been the limit set. 

A hostess always rises to meet her guests or any visitor unless 
she is seated behind her tea-table from which it is almost impossible 
to move. Even in that case she should rise to greet an older 
woman; but unless he is much older than herself, she does not rise 
to greet a man. 

At a formal reception, cards may be dropped into the tray 
provided for them, either on entering or leaving the house. “The 
suest leaves one card for the hostess and one for the guest of honor, 
if the latter’s name has appeared on the invitation. The guest 
may also leave cards for members of her family who have been 
invited but who are unable to attend. A man, however, leaves 
only his own card. 


INVITATIONS 


OR formal invitations such as dances, weddings or large 
dinners, the specially engraved invitation with the conventional 
wording is required. The form of such invitations varies little 
from year to year, but the size and style of the pasteboard used and 
the manner of engraving are prescribed by fashion with which 


[-7-] 


any good stationer is conversant. If the invitation is to a formal 
dinner and is written by hand, even so it must be written in the 
third person. The following form is that most generally in use, 
great care being paid to margins and spacing. 


at Iwohundredand forby seven Iipth Avenue 


The same form should be kept in the acceptance or regret. 

For an informal dance the joint visiting cards of the hostess and 
her husband may be used, with the inscription ““Dancing”’ written 
in the left hand corner, or for afternoon affairs the cards of mother 
and daughter may be used with, for example, the inscription 
“Bridge.” 

For an afternoon at home, whether a tea, bridge, a musicale 
or a reception of a more formal nature, the hostess may use an 
especially engraved card or her own visiting card. In the latter 
case, she writes the hour and day in the lower left hand corner as, 

September the tenth 
Bridge at three o’clock. 
If a tea or reception is given for a visiting guest 
To meet Miss Turner 
should be written at the top of the card. 


[8] 


It is no longer considered impolite to give informal dinner and 
theatre invitations on the telephone, and the hostess may ring 
up her guests and name the day, the hour, and the kind of enter- 
tainment which she is planning. 

The spontaneous invitation which does not materialize is a 
doubtful tribute, unless the speaker has the intention of following 
it up with an engagement for some set time. 

It goes without saying that every invitation carries with it the 
obligation of a prompt and definite acceptance or regret, prefer- 
ably within forty-eight hours. 

The safest rule is to accept or decline an invitation in the way 
it was given, to answer telephone invitations by telephone, to 
send a card for a card, or a note for a written or engraved invita- 
tion. In answering a formally engraved card, the same form is 
kept in pen and ink. The third person must be used not only in 
this case, but in answering an invitation written on a visiting card. 

In answering the informal luncheon or dinner invitation, if 
the person invited is unable to attend, she must say so positively, 
stating that she will be out of town or that she has a previous 
engagement. If she accepts, she must accept cordially. 

If the invitation is for a small entertainment and the person 
invited has a guest staying in her house, she must always regret, 
thus giving her hostess a chance to include her guest or not. But 
if the entertainment is informal or large, she may write or tele- 
phone her hostess saying, “May I bring Miss Turner?” 

Formal invitations sometimes carry the abbreviations 
“R.s.v.p.,” meaning “‘reply, if you please.” To-day the form 
“The favor of a reply is requested” is more in vogue. Courtesy 
demands a prompt reply. 

Invitations for children’s parties are rarely engraved. Usually 
they are sent out in the name of the hostess to whose house the 
guests are invited and are addressed, Miss Mary Turner or Master 
Robert Turner. 

The question frequently arises in regard to accepting invitations 
for the children when the parents have no calling acquaintance 
with the hostess. Unless there is a special reason for refusing, 
it is a safe rule not to stand on ceremony and to accept. 


[9] 


Accept invitations for your children even if you have no 
calling acquaintance with the parents 


If the child writes the invitation herself, the note must refer 
to her mother or other adult hostess, as, 

Dear Margaret, 

My mother hopes you will take supper with us on the Fourth 

of July. 

Then follows the hour, the usual close and signature. 

(Some ménus and recipes for children’s parties are included in 
“What To Serve at Parties,” one of McCall’s service booklets.) 


In OTHER PEOPLE’s Houses 


G Pee first thought of every host and hostess must be for the 
comfort of their guest, but they must be careful not. to let her 
feel herself a tax or burden. 
The hostess sends her invitations for a stay of a night or for 
a week-end or an extended visit with the time of arrival and 
departure specifically stated. It is a further courtesy for her to 
state the train or boat or means of conveyance by which she ex- 
pects her guest to come, doing whatever is in her power to simplify 


[ 10 ] 


and make clear the trip and cause her guest least inconvenience. 

When a woman is to arrive at a railroad station alone, some 
woman of the house must be there promptly when the train 
pulls in, to meet her. It is not customary for the hostess to send 
the chauffeur or a son or husband unless the guest is a relative. 

From the moment that her friend steps off the train, the hostess 
must remember that her friend becomes her guest, and must see 
that her baggage checks are taken care of. 

The thoughtful hostess remembers that what her guest most 
wants 1s to freshen up, and takes her home at once, offering her a 
glass of milk or cup of tea if the luncheon or dinner hour is not 
at hand. 

Before this she should have made sure that her guest room is 
in readiness. Once having shown her guest to her room, a hostess 
is most tactful when she leaves her guest alone there and waits for 
her downstairs. Moreover, she will wait to let her friend get her 
breath and talk a little, before she suggests to her that she might 
like to see the house or garden. Even then it is wiser to let the 
suggestion come from the guest. 

Especially careful should a hostess be to let her guest have the 
sense of privacy and freedom from intrusion when in her room. 

Naturally a hostess is careful to provide not an elaborate, but 
a simple and good table. If she is a person of fads, she must not 
force her fads upon her guest, but provide the usual staple fare. 
What is more, though she may herself be a person of small appetite, 
she must provide her guest with plenty. 

That, however, does not rid her of obligations of entertainment. 
She must give her guest the choice of possibilities, whether they 
lie between golf or a swim, a walk or a trip to some place which 
she has expressed a desire to see. Moreover, if it is impossible 
for the hostess to entertain at dinner formally, she should ask 
her friends to tea to meet her guest. Never should she feel that 
she has done enough by offering a roof. 

More than that, she should be careful not to make her guest 
too much one of the family. There is no excuse for letting chil- 
dren become too intrusive or absorbing, for indulging in family 
discussions and arguments in the presence of an outsider, or for 


[ir] 


letting her be uncomfortable or bored or afraid of being in the way. 

The guest on her part has her own obligations. 

When she is asked to visit, she must answer quickly; and if she 
accepts, she must accept with an apparent eagerness. A Visic 
begins poorly with a note or telegram sent at the eleventh hour. 

She must be careful, first of all to provide herself with every- 
thing that may be necessary. If she is going to the seaside, she 
should have a bathing suit; if she expects to go motoring, she 
should have her own wrap. Her hostess to be sure is under the 
obligation to supply her with anything she has omitted or for- 
gotten. But the guest who depends too much on that fact, is 
not often asked again. Also the considerate guest limits her 
baggage to actual necessities. 

If her hostess has set the manner of her trip and the train by 
which she is to make it, the guest must fall in with these sugges- 
tions, or let the hostess know at once of any change. 

In arriving at the house, she may be sure that the pleasure of 
her hostess depends to some degree on a guest’s reactions to 
her new surroundings, and give at once some appreciative word 
of pleasure and of praise. 

Once arrived, she is careful to accommodate herself even to dis- 
comforts and not to interfere with the routine. She 1s neat about 
her room and always prompt at meal time. She has her own 
resources while her hostess is busy, but she agrees promptly to 
suggestions made for her entertainment, though when an alterna- 
tive is offered her she realizes that she is most helpful when she 
makes a definite choice. She exerts herself to please the friends 


The considerate guest limits her baggage to actual necessities. 


[ 12 | 


> 


of her hostess as well as the latter’s family. Moreover, she makes 
it evident that she feels herself well cared for and is content. 

While she is visiting, a guest must not exact special considera- 
tion from the servants, either by asking extra service from them 
or by delaying or interfering with their tasks. If, however, 
special favors have been necessary, this must be taken into ac- 
count when the time comes for tipping. In a small, simple house, 
she must give at least a dollar apiece to every servant who has 
waited on her during a week-end visit, and proportionately more 
according to her length of time and.the services entailed. A 
fee of five dollars is the maximum for any stay. 

A guest must not overstay her visit; and no matter how sincere 
are the entreaties to prolong it, she will find it wiser to leave at 
the time set. 

When the time comes for her departure, she should have her 
luggage ready, she should have time to seek out and fee the ser- 
vants not in the presence of her hostess, and to thank them for 
their services, to say good-bye to every member of the family, 
and to express her pleasure and regret at leaving. 

After returning home, well within a week she must write her 
“bread and butter letter.” 

The acceptance of hospitality at an afternoon or evening func- 
tion entails its own obligations. No matter what the occasion 
and no matter how bored she may feel, a guest owes it to her 
hostess to make herself agreeable and to do her share in making 
the festivity a real success. Moreover, in spite of any personal 
grudge or grievance, she must be courteous to every other guest 
whom she meets in her hostess’s house. 

In taking leave she must say good-by to her hostess, expressing 
her pleasure in the entertainment and her appreciation of the 
fact of being asked. This formality must be observed at the 
simplest as at the most elaborate function. Too many people 
slip away on the assumption that their hostess will not know 
that they have failed to say good-by. 

But once she has come to the point of taking leave, she must 
do so promptly. There are mistaken people who linger and who 
dawdle, as if to do so were to convey regret because they must 


a9) 


depart. An equally undesirable alternative is to terminate the 
event abruptly, to hurry into wraps, and to depart in a brusque 
haste. There is a happy medium of graceful and prompt de- 
parture which with a little practice, may be easily acquired. 

When a young woman entertains friends in her own house, it 
is proper for her guests to thank her mother as well as the girl 
herself for the pleasant time which they have had. 

The acceptance of hospitality entails an obligation. But the 
necessary return does not require the elaborateness of one’s 
entertainment. Ifthe hospitality is sincere, and the best that one 
can give, all requirements are met. 


THe DEBUTANTE AND HER Escort 


N EVERY social relation, it is important for both the man and 
the girl to know what is the accepted usage for each to follow. 

The girl who knows exactly what her escort should do, cooperates 
with him, and smooths his way as well as her own. For example, 
a girl should stand aside to allow her escort to open and to hold 
a door wide for her to pass through. She never should open the 
door herself simply because she happens to precede the man. 

When she drops her handkerchief—an accident to be avoided— 
a girl must not make a nervous, hurried dash to pick it up, but 
stand or sit quietly while the man retrieves it, then simply nod a 
wordless acknowledgment. 

Some years ago it was the custom for a young man who took 
a girl to a dance to look out for her throughout the evening and to 
make sure of a partner for her for each dance. This custom has 
been largely done away with by what is known as “‘cutting in.” 

By “cutting in” we mean that a man is privileged to go up to 
a couple who are dancing by him and to claim a partner whom 
he in turn must relinquish as soon as any other man steps up. 
Each of these men may in turn reclaim his partner after she has 
danced once around the room. | 

Naturally this practice rids an escort of much of his responsi- 
bility. But he should still see that his partner meets new men, 
that she does not get “stuck”? with one man, and that she has a 
gay time. The escort should by rights claim the first, last, and 


| 14 | 


supper dances, and of course may cut in whenever he wishes. 

Quite as naturally this custom places heavier responsibilities 
upon the girl. If she has danced two full dances with the same 
man without a “cut in,” she must look for some intimate friend to 
whom she may signal or invent some excuse for leaving her part- 
ner, since he is in honor bound to stay till a new man comes up. 

Ifa girl is on the floor, she must dance with everyone who asks 
her. She cannot okra nor can she refuse to change her 
partner if she is claimed in the middle of a dance. 

But if she is sitting out with a man alone outside the ballroom, 
it is considered rude for any man‘to interrupt her. He must 
wait until she has returned to the floor. 

It is not good form for a girl to reach for her own coat, her 
furs, her bag or other belongings in a hotel dining-room or similar 
environment. The man with-her gets these for her or obtains 
them from the waiter, if the latter is a man. Obviously this has 
nothing to do with check rooms or the service in clubs. 

Even in her own house it is not proper for a girl to get a man’s 
hat and coat for him, nor does she hand him his gloves nor attempt 
to help him on with his coat. 

In the theater, the man precedes the woman down the aisle, 
carrying the seat checks until he 1s met by the usher, whom he 
follows. When the usher indicates the seats, the man steps aside 
to allow the woman to precede him to her seat in the row. If 
there is a party, the men and women seat themselves alternately, 
or otherwise if they prefer. 

In hotels and restaurants, the woman follows the head waiter 
as he shows them to a table, the man following her. The woman 
seats herself in the chair which the waiter or her escort pulls out 
for her and pushes into place. 

Invariably a man rises, if he is seated at a table with a woman, 
when another woman or man stops to speak to any of his party; 
or if a late member of the party arrives. 

At a restaurant dinner the woman gives her order to her escort 
at his suggestion, and he delivers it to the waiter with his own. 
A man entertaining a woman at dinner expects her to select 
promptly whatever she wishes from the menu. She should make 


Bow 


her selections without too much discussion, yet not hurriedly. 

Her escort often will follow her choice although it is unnecessary 
for him to do so. However, he must order corresponding courses 
in order to make the woman feel comfortable while she dines. 

If a man gives a dinner or luncheon at a hotel or club, the meal 
is often ordered in advance and therefore the guests are spared 
the responsibility of ordering. 

It is not good form for very young girls to dine téte-a-téte with 
men in restaurants, inns and hotels unless they are accompanied 
by older persons. 

The Chaperon 


The outdoor life of country club and golf club has brought 
with it a new freedom from surveillance and, provided that a 
young man is known and approved of by her family, a young girl 
may indulge in any sport with him. 

But for all that there are times when it is convenient or necessary 
as a matter of good form, to have a chaperon, though for the most 
part these occasions take place beneath a roof. 

No affair at a college fraternity house, a club, or studio or apart- 
ment, is attended by a young unmarried girl or woman, unless 
there is a married woman present. 

No bachelor gives a tea or dinner without asking some married 
woman to be present. In writing his invitations he does not 
even state her name or make any mention of her presence. He 
takes it for granted rather that his guests may depend on him 
for this knowledge of good form. 

In this day a young girl may go to the movies, to a concert, 
to the theatre with a man alone—though there is still a difference 
of opinion about this question. 

Dances and theatre parties for girls and boys of school age, 
whether they take place in the euening or afternoon, require the 
presence of an older person. 

The nature of a chaperon varies a little according to the oc- 
casion. Usually even a young bride is suitable. A married title 
is enough. But on a house-party for example, an older woman is 
thought more suitable since situations may arise which call for 
experience and tact. 


[ 16 | 


In a girl’s own house, her mother or some older person is natur- 
ally her chaperon and even at the cost of her own inconvenience 
she must pay some attention to her young daughter’s friends. 
If even only for a few minutes she should make it a point to speak 
to each young man who calls upon her daughter, nor is she sup- 
posed to go to bed until after the last young man has left the 
house. A young girl’s father may take this responsibility upon 
himself by coming in and shaking hands with the young man. 


MANNERS AT TABLE 


ABLE manners are the best indication of one’s social training; 

they indicate either the awkwardness that comes from igno- 
rance or the ease that comes from habitual use. Fortunately, 
the rules to observe are few and may bé acquired with a little 
study and a little observation. 

First of all there is the question of one’s posture. Elbows do 
not belong on the table, neither is it correct to sit too close nor 
slouch. In the proper position the figure is held erect. 

Bowing to the plate as the fork or spoon is raised is an invol- 
untary habit which can easily be remedied by taking thought. 

All food must be eaten in a quiet, leisurely manner, and since 
lunches and dinners are given with the prime thought of socia- 
bility, the food is not discussed. A knife is never used except for 
cutting food. A fork is used for all foods except liquids which 
require a spoon. The fork alone is used for cutting salads, and 
for ice-cream a special fork has been devised. 

It goes without saying that soup should be taken from the soup 
spoon without noise. The spoon is dipped away from, never 
towards the person, and the soup is taken from the side of the 
spoon and never from the tip. 

A teaspoon should never be left in a cup, neither should tea 
nor any other beverage be sipped from a spoon. After one has 
tested the heat of a beverage by a single sip from the spoon, the 
spoon is placed at one side beside the saucer. 

Bread should be broken into rather small pieces with the fingers, 
then buttered and eaten piece by piece. At luncheon it should 


[17] 


be placed on a small bread-and-butter plate. But these are not 
used at dinners—since butter is no longer used, where strict 
formality is observed. 

Fruit, if served whole, is pared and sliced with a silver fruit 
knife, and eaten in small pieces. Pits and stones are taken from 
the mouth into the hand, and then put upon the plate. After a 
fruit course, finger bowls are in order, even at breakfast. 

In eating fish, the first rule is to look out for bones; the second, 
that if by chance one gets in the mouth, it must be eaten clean, 
then taken out, and laid upon the plate with thumb and finger. 

Salad leaves may never be cut. They must be broken with a 
fork. Asparagus may be taken in the fingers, but first the stalks 
should be cut off with the fork since otherwise their length will 
make the act of eating them unsightly. 

Certain articles are cussed as “finger foods.” Among the most 
common are olives, salted nuts, candy, celery, artichokes, which 
are pulled apart leaf by leaf and dipped into the sauce, hard 
crackers spread with cheese and small cakes. For frosted and 
layer cakes a fork is required. 

No one must put a fork with food on it upon his plate, nor 
must he hold it raised from the table in his hand while he is talking. 

No dishes are passed by one neighbor to another unless it be 
salt or nut or olive dishes or those containing sweets. 

All food and table utensils should be handled as inconspicuously 
as possible. Because it indicates nervousness, particularly 
because it annoys others, it is considered impolite to toy with the 
silver, with the rolls, or other small objects during a meal. 

It is better to refuse a second helping except at the home table. 

Since it is uncomfortable for the hostess to feel that she has 
failed in her provision, no guest should refuse a dish even if he 
eats but a mouthful of what he takes upon his plate. 

During the course of a meal, the knife and fork never should 
be left gangplank fashion from the edge of the plate to the table. 
At the meal’s conclusion, they should be placed side by side, their 
tips near the center of the plate, their handles resting upon the 
plate’s edge. 

The napkin should never be spread out, but should be unfolded 


[ 18 | 


once and laid across the knees. In public places, at a banquet 
or a formal dinner in a private home, the napkin is left unfolded 
at the conclusion of a meal. 

A person making an extended visit in a home folds his napkin 
or does not fold it according to the custom of the family. A guest 
at a single meal leaves his napkin folded or unfolded. 


Table Service 


When there is but one servant for general work, she does not 
always expect to do a great deal of waiting at table. Never- 
theless, when there are guests, she should perform this duty 
willingly and should be correctly uniformed for the occasion. 

There are two points of view as to who should be served first. 
But it will always be either the hostess or the guest of honor. It 
has come to be the hostess not from any discourtesy on her 
part, but only that she may act as a guide to her guests if the 
dish passed is complicated ‘or is difficult. After these two have 
been served the maid continues around the table to the right, 
sometimes serving indiscriminately ladies and gentlemen, but 
‘omitting the host who is served last; sometimes serving all the 
ladies first and then the gentlemen. 

If it is a small family dinner and the host carves, the maid 
stands at his left ready to receive the plate after he has arranged 
the portions. She takes the plate, one at a time, to each guest, © 
serving the hostess first, the guest of honor next, or turn about, 
and so on around the table. 

The maid stands at the left of the person she is serving. After 
the plates are distributed, she passes the side dishes. She leaves 
the dining-room only for short intervals, returning to assist with 
second helpings, if any are desired, to replenish empty bread 
plates, and to keep the glasses filled with water. 

The careful hostess will plan her dinner so that she will not be 
obliged to leave her chair while the meal is in progress. 

The hostess sometimes holds a brief conversation with the maid 
for the purpose of directing her, but only when absolutely neces- 
sary. All the details of serving the dinner should be carefully 
agreed on by the hostess and the maid before the guests are seated. 


[19] 


The art of ‘‘turning the table’’ is one to be cultivated 


When the last guest has arrived, the maid standing at the door, 
‘ says quietly, “Dinner is served.” What happens next depends 
on whether the dinner is formal or informal. 

If it is a very formal occasion the host offers his arm to the 
lady who is to sit at his right and leads the way into the dining 
room. Each of the other men offers his arm to the lady whom 
his hostess has told him he is to take in, and the procession ends 
with the hostess and her partner. But at an informal dinner the 
hostess leads the way, followed by the ladies as they chance to 
come. Behind them come the men; and they stand about the 
table until the place of each is indicated by the hostess. 

The question of precedence is practically unimportant except 
in state and diplomatic circles. But a bride is always a guest 
of honor; so is a judge, governor, officer in the army, clergyman 
or an important public official. 


[ 20 | 


The covers for the host and hostess are opposite each other. 
The guest of honor, if a woman, is at the host’s right hand. If 
the guest of honor is a man he sits at the right of the hostess. 

Women noted for their attention to good form are careful not 
to drop their gloves, handkerchief or fan on the floor. It is an 
extremely awkward thing for a man to dive under a table to pick 
up the accessories of a woman’s attire. If possible, a woman 
will not attract a guest’s attention to her loss but will indicate 
her need to a waiter when she rises from the table. 

The art of “turning the table” is one to be cultivated by those 
who are particular about the fine points of etiquette. It consists 
in dividing one’s attention between the guest on the right, and the 
person on the left. To talk at length across the table or to some 
individual several covers distant is a breach of good manners. 

As to the manner of leaving the dining-room there is again a 
choice. At a formal dinner, as the hostess rises from her seat, 
each gentleman may offer his arm to the lady whom he has 
brought in, and escort her back to the drawing-room. The ladies 
will have their coffee there. The men will return to the dining- 
room for coffee, cigars, and cigarettes. But this custom too, 
is somewhat going out, and at many dinners all the guests return 
to the drawing-room where they have their coffee served together. 

Detailed information concerning table service without a maid, 
is contained in ‘““The New Hospitality,” one of McCall’s service 
booklets. 


In Pusiic PLaces 


HE WAYS of crowds are strikingly free and easy, and therefore 
the persons to whom good manners are habitual stand out 
from the average and appear distinguished. 

A man meeting a woman on the street does not detain her if 
he wishes to speak to her, but turns and walks by her side. 

If forced to stand for a few moments talking with a woman, a 
man holds his hat in his hand during the conversation; obviously, 
no thoughtful woman will permit a man to remain uncovered. 

Men walk on the curb side of the sidewalk when accompanying 
a woman. Moreover they still keep to the outside, if walking 


[21] 


with two women, and never walk between. A woman may not 
take a man’s arm on the street. 

A young woman, who meets a man who has been formally 
presented to her, must bow to him at their next meeting, even 
though it be a casual meeting on the street. If she regards his 
acquaintanceship as undesirable, she will find a way to avoid 
greeting him at future encounters. 

No one passes between two people who are walking together 
or who are in conversation unless they are carelessly blocking a 
public path. Then it is their turn to apologize. 

No man smokes on the street while he is walking with a woman. 
Even in his own house, or at a restaurant, he should ask her 
permission to light a cigar or cigarette. 

Confidential or even personal matters which involve the use of 
names should not be discussed 1n any public place. 

To “buttonhole” a man in the street, or to pen a man in the 
corner of his own office, to talk close to him is another example of 
bad taste. 

It is bad form to loiter on the streets. Nor does the well-bred 
man or woman ever claim the right of way by pushing through a 
crowd. The public is not responsible for any one’s delay even if 
he fails to catch a train. Moreover he will not gain by crowding 
or by jostling. The same is true in boarding a street car, a boat, 
or train. By waiting for his turn each one must show his sense 
of fairness which is after all the social instinct. 

On a crowded car, a man rises to give a woman acquaintance a 
seat; or he may do this for a woman witha baby or an older woman. 
In Sy Hichawer case, the woman does not demur, but thanks him, 
and takes his place. 

In an apartment house or in a private dwelling a man invariably 
takes off his hat if there is a woman in the elevator. But in the 

elevator of a public building, he is not called on to do this, since 
the assumption is that he is in a public place. 

A woman never has an altercation with a conductor or a sates 
man. Even though her complaint is just, she will gain nothing at 
the time but the attention of those round about her. If she has 
a proper criticism to make of any employee, she should send it 


[22] 


to the company’s business office. This rule applies to shops, 
hotels, restaurants, and all places where attendance is required. 

Public telephone stations are not proper places for prolonged 
private conversations. They are meant solely for business con- 
venience, and whoever uses them for gossip is guilty of bad man- 
ners, since he is idly keeping others waiting. 

At a ticket office, a woman never expects a man to give up his 
place to her, but waits quietly in line. 

It is always bad manners to attract attention in public, whether 
by loud laughter or loud talk. Particularly is this true at the 
theatre where such conduct may distract the attention of one’s 
neighbors, and destroy their whole enjoyment in the play. 

For the same reason it is a rudeness to the audience and to the 
performers to come late toa play or concert, for it creates both dis- 
comfort and distraction till the late comers are settled in their seats. 

A woman discovers as soon as she takes her seat in a theatre 
or a public place whether or not her hat is obstructing the view 
for those behind her. The safest rule is invariably to take it off. 

No considerate person ever leaves the opera or theatre or con- 
cert hall while the performance i is in progress. If she must leave, 
she goes out during the intermission. 

Calling attention to strangers, either by staring at them or by 
obvious talk about them is an inexcusable offense against good 
manners. It is equally bad form to turn on the street and de- 
liberately to watch a passer-by. 

The details of one’s toilet are not a public occupation, despite 
the modern prevalence of the vanity box. If noses must be 
powdered, this should be done at home or in a dressing-room, not 
in any public place. The same holds true of manicuring. 

Great care should be exercised as well in the restraint of personal 
habits such as chewing gum, or biting one’s nails. The toothpick 
should be restricted to the bathroom. 


The Woman Who Travels Alone 


It has become so common a custom for women of all ages to 
travel alone that they seldom meet with any difficulties. 
It is well to remember, however, that a young woman who is 


eRe 


travelling by herself will avoid attention which may be both 
unwelcome and embarrassing, if she dresses inconspicuously and 
behaves in a quiet manner. 

It is wise precaution for a woman who is going to a strange 
hotel to write ahead for reservations. When she arrives, she 
should go at once to the office and sign the hotel register, always 
omitting her street number, and writing her name thus, “Miss 
Mary Turner, New York.” 

After doing this, she will be escorted by a bell-boy to her room. 

In the old days a woman by herself often had her meals served 
to her upstairs. To-day she goes to the main dining-room. But 
though she may be staying for some days she wears a hat at lunch, 
and carries her gloves in her hand. If the hotel is small or not 
very fashionable, she may wear a hat and street dress at dinner. 
Only at the most fashionable hotels does she put on a dinner dress. 
An afternoon dress is much more inconspicuous at dinner. 

In entering the hotel dining-room for the first time, she waits 
quietly at the main door until she receives the attention of the 
head waiter. She never tries to find a table for herself, but 
follows while the head-waiter leads, and seats herself in the chair 
which he pulls out for her. 

On shipboard, a woman who is by herself, will not stay on deck 
late at night, but will go to her own stateroom or will join a group 
of people in the salon. 

On trains, on steamers and in hotels she will be careful not 
to enter into conversation with strange men. Should a service be 
performed for her by some man she does not know, it is only 
necessary for her to say “thank you.” 

If a woman meets a man she knows who is travelling on the 
same ship or train, or who is staying at the same hotel, she may 
let him join her at her meals, but she must insist on paying her 
own check. 

Travelling on a Pullman should present no difficulties. To 
visualize the procedure: 

She gives her hand luggage to a porter in the waiting-room, then 
follows him until he hands her luggage over to the porter of the 
Pullman or until he puts her in her seat. 


[ 24 | 


On trains, a woman, alone, will not enter into 
conversation with strangers 


For comfort in the sleeping car, a plain dark wrapper or negligée 
is advisable, as it makes her inconspicuous in passing up and down 
the car. Many women do most of their dressing in the berth, 
but wear the dark robe to the dressing-room where the rest of their 
toilet is completed. A woman with good manners leaves the 
dressing-room in neat condition, wiping dabs of powder from the 
dressing-table, and depositing damp towels where they belong. 

It is customary to fee the porter just before reaching one’s 
destination or when stepping off the train. 


Fees and Gratuities 


The custom of tipping or feeing is firmly entrenched in all 
hotels and restaurants and in the Pullman cars of trains. Whether 
one approves of the system or not has nothing to do with the 
necessity of following it. Even for those who travel often and 
who go to hotels and dine in public places frequently, it is often 
a vexatious question as to how much to give. 

For ocean travel there is a fixed and easily ascertained scale of 


[easel 


fees, varying with the class of service or with its extent. A woman 
who has been ill for an entire voyage, naturally gives more to a 
stewardess than a traveller who has required no service. 

A general rule which roughly covers all cases, fixes the amount 
of the tip at ten percent of the bill, but never less than that. But 
the Pullman porter and the station porter must have a quarter at 
the very least. Lesser fees are reserved for bell-boys and those 
in the check-rooms. 

No service should be repaid ostentatiously. At a restaurant 
a tip is put upon the change plate when the bill is brought, or 1s 
left upon it when change is returned, or sometimes it may be left 
on the dining table, if the waiter has departed. All other fees 
are slipped quietly into the palm. 

After a visit to a friend’s house whether for a week-end or a 
longer period, it is customary to remember that gratuities are in 
order. Obviously, the host and hostess are supposed to remain in 
ignorance of these gifts. Even a mother visiting her married 
daughter will “remember the maid” as a matter of diplomacy. 


THe WELL-DRESSED WomMAn 


HE well-dressed woman wears only what is appropriate and 
inconspicuous, never going to extremes in current fashions and 
always adapting them to suit her figure and her individual taste. 

In the morning, when she goes marketing or shopping she wears 
the plainest of street dresses, knowing that she goes about her 
tasks most fittingly, when she does not attract attention by 
wearing jewels, by gaudy colors, or by exaggerated styles. 

At informal luncheons, she wears the same dress that she would 
wear shopping. She does the same when she goes visiting, though 
then it is appropriate for her to wear white, gray or beige gloves. 
At a formal luncheon she also wears white gloves and an afternoon 
dress or perhaps a more expensive street dress which she covers 
with acoat. At the theatre in the afternoon she makes the same 
distinction that she makes between a formal and informal lunch- 
eon, choosing a street dress if she is going with a friend, or an after- 
noon dress if she is going to a theatre party and is to be one of a 
group. In this Jast case, too, of course, she wears white gloves. 


[ 26 | 


Fashions seem to be always growing simpler. Few to-day 
remember the old “calling suit.” At an informal, even a rather 
formal tea to-day a woman may wear a well-cut and attractive 
street dress, reserving the afternoon dress for a big, formal tea. 

In the evening, too, dressing is much simpler. Since only at 
the most fashionable hotels and restaurants does a woman go 
without a hat and wear a dinner dress, it is considered better 
taste in dining at a public place to wear an afternoon gown; at 
the most, the darkest, simplest of dinner dresses. 

A dinner dress, which is simply low cut, 1s never in good taste 
at the movies, unless the woman wearing it keeps on her wrap. 
It is meant for evening wear in one’s own house if the family is 
one that dresses for dinner, or for wearing to HEN dinners at the 
Beree, ofone's fends. Irie also appro- 
priate for the theatre in the evening 
when one goes from a private house. 

The formal evening dress, low 
cut and without sleeves, is re- 
served for the most formal oc- 
casions in the evening, for the 
opera, for big dinners and recep- 
tions, for dances and for balls. 
It is always worn without a hat. 

In the country, town clothes 
are as inappropriate as -sport 
clothes are in town. At a din- 
ner-party in the summer a wo- 
man wears a low cut dress of 
some light, fine material. Ata 
country club at tea she wears a 
white dress or suit, or a skirt 
and waist and sport sweater, and 
naturally while walking, playing 
golf or tennis, she makes her 
costume fit the sport. 

In travelling, she selects her 
darkest hat and the simplest 
street dress that she owns. 


[e273 


FuNERAL AND Mourninc Customs 


HEN death occurs, the members of the family may excuse 
themselves from seeing callers immediately afterwards, and 
for some time after the funeral, if so inclined. 

The etiquette for friends and acquaintances is based on con- 
sideration. An acquaintance merely sends his card upon which 
he writes ““With deepest sympathy.” A dear friend goes to the 
house and leaves a similar card, or he writes a personal letter, 
and unless there is a notice in the paper to the contrary, he sends 
flowers. 

The members of the family in mourning need not acknowledge 
immediately either flowers or cards or letters. But after the 
funeral there rests on them an obligation which must be discharged. 
To those who have sent cards, they may send a card on which 
they write, “Thank you for all your sympathy.” But to those 
who have sent flowers and letters, they must respond with a 
brief note 

If the person who has died has been an individual of public 
interest, or has possessed a large circle of political or club friends 
notes are impracticable. The engraved card suffices. 

Often the notice in the paper says “Funeral private.” In that 
case no one attends who has not been personally asked. But if 
there is a general notice, to attend the funeral is the last tribute 
of respect which can be paid by neighbors, by business associates, 
by acquaintances, and personal friends. Only those attend the 
burial service who have been asked to do so. 

The rules regulating the wearing of mourning grow less stringent 
with time. To be sure, an elderly woman when widowed may 
choose to wear mourning to the end of her days, while no girl 
under seventeen years of age should ever be permitted to wear 
crépe. Between these extremes of age and youth are many 
degrees of mourning, determined entirely by the personal philos- 
ophy of the individual rather than by any rule. 

Many persons do not put on mourning even for the closest kin, 
the idea being that by appearing in somber garments they inflict 
their sorrow on the notice of a world which is quite uninterested. 


[ 28 | 


On the other hand it is argued that the use of crépe or other 
materials classed as mourning, is a protection to the bereaved 
as well as a proper badge of respect for the dead. 


Wuen You CorRESPOND 
eas correct form forbids the use of anything but the 


pen in letters other than business communications. However, 
the common use of the typewritten letter between intimate 
friends is not taboo. 

A personal letter such as one which gives, accepts or refuses an 
invitation must be written in ink on appropriate stationery. 
Business letterheads never should be used for social purposes; 
and a personal note is not supposed to be dictated. 

Envelopes addressed to a woman whose husband is living should 
carry her husband’s name, as “Mrs. John H. Turner.” It is not 
considered strictly good form to use the professional or business 
name of the woman, should she be possessed of one, such as 
“Dr. Mary Brown Turner.” This applies only to the social note. 

Many widows prefer to be addressed by the name to which they 
have been accustomed for years; but a widow may discontinue 
the use of her husband’s given names, if she wishes, and substitute 
her own, as “Mrs. Helen Smith Turner.” 

For letters, women who like to follow the strictly conventional 
way use only paper. which is white or of a very dull tone of blue 
or gray. Unruled paper is selected. 

All letters, whether personal or business, should present a neat 
appearance. It is not complimentary to a correspondent to offer 
a page of unreadable script. 

Every letter should contain the writer’s address as well as date. 
On a formal letter, such as the answer to an invitation, the address 
and date are placed in the lower left-hand corner—though the 
address may be engraved above. On an informal letter, the 
address goes at the upper right-hand corner. The date may be 
placed under it, or at the lower. left-hand corner of the letter. 

The usual complimentary close is “Most sincerely yours.” 
The word “‘yours”’ must appear in the closing phrase. 

Remember that if the note is formal and begins ““My dear 


[29 ] 


Mrs. Smith,” ‘dear’? must not be written with a capital. 
A married woman signs her own name to all letters, as “Mary 
Margaret Smith.” She never uses the prefix as part of her 
signature, but may write it in parentheses thus (Mrs.) below or 
before her signature to indicate her status as a married woman. 
This is necessary when the correspondence concerns business. 

It is a courtesy to one’s correspondents to destroy all but 
important business communications. Social letters become a 
nuisance if preserved, and sentimental letters should be saved 
from falling into unfriendly hands. Whoever reads a perscnal 
letter without the permission of the writer is betraying a trust. 


CHILDREN 


ie a home cooperation is a part of manners, and from the first 
children can be taught that they have their own responsibilities 
in making home life a success. But this can not be done without 
giving the children an example... They can not learn behavior 
by themselves. This then is the code for parents: 

No matter what the provocation, and no matter whether the 
trouble lies between themselves, or is stirred up by the servants 
or the children, parents must not lose their tempers and create 
a scene. : 

The simple laws for the children must be laid down with careful 
explanations, so that there need be no hasty inspirational punish- 
ments when they are broken and no loss of temper on the parents’ 
parts. Punishments can then be given calmly. There need be 
no yanking and no slapping. The children will know very soon 
what they have to expect. 

Parents must be especially careful in their own attitudes towards 
servants. Otherwise their children may lose all sense of fairness 
and turn into rude-minded bullies towards those whom they 
employ. Courtesy to those who are placed in an inferior position 
is one of the first rules to be instilled. 

Parents in their children’s presence should not spell out words, 
use Jong words, or speak in another language with the idea of 
saying something which they do not wish a child to understand. 
{f they do they have no right to tell a child that he may not 


[ 30 ] 


whisper and must say what he has to say to the whole room. 

* Moreover parents in so far as they are able, must respect their 
children’s privacy and sense of ownership. They must not hurt 
their feelings by personalities. They must not punish them before 
outsiders. Nor may they play favorites or criticise one child 
before another. Moreover, any act of service which a child may 
render, even though it is bungling and must be done over, should 
receive a gracious word of thanks. 

These, in return are the good manners which parents may 
expect from their children. 

. They have every reason to 
demand a cleanliness and 
tidiness of appearance. Ac- 
cidents of course will happen, 
and there is a time for play- 
ing. But children must have 
a regard for their appearance 
when they come to the table. 
This is a part of manners, 
since slovenliness implies a 
disregard for every other per- 
son but oneself. 

Parents may also demand 
that children take neat care 
of their rooms and of their 
personal belongings, since 
such care becomes a part of 
their good manners as it af- 
From the first, children can be taught fects the comfort of others 

their own responsibilities under the same roof. 

Above all children must learn to fall in with the routine of the 
home, to be prompt at meal times, and in executing orders, for 
thoughtlessness and selfishness run into rudeness. It is a part 
of good manners not to make another person wait. 


What is most difficult today perhaps is to teach young people 
deference towards their parents, though many of their omissions 
are their parents’ faults. A child who has been taught to rise 


[32] 


when his mother comes into the room, to say ““Yes, Mother” and 
not “Yep,” to give up his chair to older people, will find deference 
second nature when he goes into the social world. 

It is this kind of training which will make children courteous 
towards their parents’ guests. Moreover parents may put it to 
their children squarely on this basis; that if their playmates are 
given a warm welcome, then the children owe it to their parents 
to be courteous to all grown-up guests. If their mother or father 
is not in, they must rise in greeting, they must offer a chair to a 
lady and ask her, since they are playing hosts, to lay aside her 
wraps. If, on the other hand, they come in to find their mother 
entertaining friends, they can be made to understand that as she 
_ would greet their guests, so must they greet hers; that as she would 
not break in upon the games of children, so must they not break 
in upon a grown-up conversation with their own questions. 

Much of this same sense of fairness in the exercise al] good man- 
ners can be carried over when children are outside their homes. 

If they have been taught that their parents respect the posses- 
sions of their children, the children will be less likely to handle the 
possessions of others, either at home or in a public place. 

If they have not been allowed to criticise each other in their 
own house, they will not feel that they can make unkindly com- - 
ments to a playmate, whether their criticisms concern his personal 
appearance or his clothes. 

If they have been taught to say ‘Yes, Mother,” they will be 
more likely to say “Yes, Mr. Blank.” 

If they have not been allowed to interrupt or to monopolize 
the conversation, they will be far less likely to “show off” when 
they are out. 

A home where children learn all youthful courtesies, is the best 
preparation for the social requirements of later life. 

Most young persons, particularly those of high-school age, 
become suddenly sensitive about the details of good form. They 
want to know what is best in social usage, and to live by the 
letter of it. 

This period usually brings their most thrilling social experiences. 
All this is normal; it indicates an ambition to know and to live 


[ 32] 


by the finer things of life. This inherent desire should be directed 
and developed, never ridiculed, overlooked or thwarted. 

It is then for the parents to take stock of their own social habits 
and accomplishments, to see if they have beome careless in the 
observance of certain niceties of behavior; or they may discover 
that polite usage has changed considerably since their own 
initiation; and they may desire to conform to the newer order. 
Boys and girls love to have their parents “up-to-date.” 

All parents may not be able to give their children the benefits 
to be derived from wealth, but all parents who are willing to plan 
a little, can give their children a background of good manners 
which will enable them to adapt themselves to any group of 
human beings. 


Business ETIQUETTE 
N° CODE of good form has been fixed for the woman in busi- 


ness, but certain rules and customs have been carried over 
from the social world; others have sprung up that are based on 
common sense and proved experience. 

The employer who takes pride in the appearance of his office 
and pays good salaries, has a right to demand that his employees 
shall be well dressed. But dressing well for office work does not 
mean dressing showily. It means being dressed neatly, simply, 
and appropriately for one’s business life. 

Similarly an employer who has arranged for definite hours with 
his employees has the right to expect that they will not come late. 

Especially is it a part of business etiquette to adopt a pleasant 
manner, to perform even extra services willingly, not grudgingly 
and with the implication that “this is not your job.” The woman. 
who performs such services without thinking first of herself and 
then of the imposition, is the woman who proves herself of value. 

Such a woman has sufficient tact to understand her business 
status and to realize that certain rules do not hold in the business 
world which hold outside. Naturally she expects her employer 
to say ‘““Good-morning” to her. But, though he must rise to 
welcome his wife, grown daughter, or woman friend or relative 
who may come to see him at his office, a woman employed by him 


[ 33 | 


does not expect him to get up when she comes into the room. 

Neither does he rise when she leaves the office, and when he 
is busy it is not necessary for him to say “‘Good-night” to her. 

No woman of good sense or of good taste asks questions cf her 
husband’s employees. But in such an event his stenographer or 
secretary must remember that the rule is silence. Nor may she 
gossip about his personal affairs even to a member of his family. 

It is a breach of etiquette for an employee to call a man by 
telephone at his house or even at his club, unless on some matter 
of business importance. 

Nor may she accept an invitation to her employer’s house unless 
the invitation comes from his wife directly. 

If he is a bachelor or widower, she may accept invitations to 
luncheon or to dinner, as she would accept the same courtesy from 
a man she knew outside. But she must remember that mis- 
constructions are frequent in the business world, and that she 
will be wise if she is not seen with her employer too frequently. 
For this same reason she must be careful in accepting gifts although 
the gifts are those that would be given her quite properly in 
the social world. 

A woman does not call upon a man except for business reasons. 
When she does this, she may send in her card, but it is considered 
more correct for her to give her name to the attendant, or to write 
her name and errand on a piece of paper which she has sent in. 
Of course she may be a business woman and in that case she sends 
in a business card. 

It is the present habit of the managers, and directors of business 
corporations to give frequent banquets, dances and summer 
outings for all employees. 

On account of the great number of persons to be entertained, 
the invitations do not include the wives of men employed ner the 
husbands of the married women. 

This new business custom directly contradicts a long-established 
rule of etiquette according to which married persons must be 
included together in an invitation to any social function. 

This is an excellent example of how manners are transmuted 
into something strange by the exigencies of modern life. 


[ 34 | 


THE ETIQUETTE OF THE WEDDING 


HE announcement of an engagement should be made by 
the parents of the young woman, or by her closest relative. 

The published notice generally runs somothing like this: 

“Mr. and Mrs. John Henry Turner announce the engagement 
of their daughter Miss Geraldine Turner to Mr. Willis George.” 

If the father is dead, the mother makes the announcement; if 
the prospective bride is an orphan, her nearest relative or guardian 
vouches for the statement; if the engaged persons are mature or 
if the woman is divorced, no announcement is made; or it is 
printed without the use of a third person’s name. 

Sometimes before an engagement is made public, it is announced 
at a small dinner or a dance given by the parents of the young girl. 
But even before this, both young people should have written to 
all near relatives and close friends, telling them the news and 
requesting them to keep the secret until a definite date. 

Once the engagement is announced, the parents of the young 
man must call upon his fiancée and welcome her into their family. 
Or if they live in a different town, the young man’s mother should 
write cordially to the young woman who is to join her family, 
and ask her to visit, thus giving her the chance to meet and know 
her future relatives-in-law. 

As in the case of a wedding, a man is congratulated on his good 
fortune and a girl is wished every happiness and joy._-A-girl-is 
never congratulated. This distinction is one to be remembered. 

Close friends may present to the girl engagement gifts which 
should differ from the wedding present in that they should be 
entirely personal. But the old custom of presenting tea-cups and 
of giving “showers” is fast going out of fashion. Luncheons, 
however, are often given by personal friends, in honor of the 
bride-to-be. Moreover, if the parents of the young man find it 
within their power, they are apt to make this the occasion of 
giving a dinner, a tea, cr a dance in honor of their son’s fiancée. 

If the engagement is broken, the girl must return her engage- 
ment ring and all gifts of value tothe man. The man immediately 
returns her gifts and photographs. 


[35 | 


THE Format WEDDING 
NDER this heading is the large church wedding, which, if 


it is to be perfect in all respects, involves considerable thought 
and expense. 


Mand Mos Elniit lect HED 
request lhehonourof 
Ys. uk Five, Willian Stash’ 
fresenceal the marriage Lherdaughler 
Helene Loutse 
fo 


Mbp Aplhur Douglas Lawton 
on Ihursday theluenty fifth of Coober 
aleight voloch inthe evening 
Hfth Apenue Tpasbylorian Ohurch 
NewYork 


The invitations to the formal wedding (shown above) should 
be sent two and three weeks before the day set for the ceremony. 

If the guests are to be Jimited to the personal friends and 
immediate families of the bride and groom, announcements of 
marriage should be sent to friends and acquaintances who are 


[ 36 | 


not on the list of invited guests. These should be ordered and 
addressed leng in advance and posted as soon after the ceremony 
as is possible. The usual form is: 


Me. and Mrs.George Lloyd Ackerman 


have the honour of announcing to 
Yin Mergared tars 
the marriage of their daughter 
Elizabeth 


to 
ives eamereecle tlevilandl Gurtie 
on Wednesday, the tenth of October 
One thousandynine hundred and twenty-three 
at Seven thousand,one hundred Alamo Avenue 
Saint Louis, Missouri. 


If, however, the groom is a captain (or of higher rank) in the 
Army, Navy, or Marines, the word Mr. 1s changed to his title. 

Both the invitations and announcements may be either in Old 
English lettering or script. 

For most large church weddings small cards are enclosed with 
the invitations on which is engraved, “‘Please present this card at 


Beye 


Saint-Andrew’s Church on Saturday, the tenth of April.” 
Cards to the breakfast or reception read 


Mand Ms Ccloniind Carter Heine 


request lhefileasure of. F 
Wty. auh thir, [jbbitun Sraute 


athaffafler eight oolock 
Sourhundsedandfive pth Avenue 
RAUP 


Preparation for the Wedding 


Once the day is set for the wedding, the first thing to do is to 
make sure that the church and clergyman desired may be had on 
that day. Arrangements must also be made with the organist, 
and if there is to be a choir, it must be engaged. Several florists 
should be interviewed and estimates obtained. 

The simplest style of decoration is to have the chancel banked 
with palms and greens which may be hired from any florist. The 
more elaborate ways are many, but as a rule the chancel is deco- 
rated with flowers which vary according to the season. Sprays 
of the same flowers may be used to mark the first ten or twenty 
pews which are reserved for the two families, or there may be 
white ribbons used to set them apart. 

The next thing in importance is to interview the caterer. Then 
the order for motors or carriages must be placed. If all this is 
attended to several weeks before the wedding, it will lighten the 
responsibility and make the last few days before the ceremony, 
a little less busy. 

The bride-to-be should make out her list of invitations as early 
as possible and see that her fiancé does the same. Besides the 
friends of the bride and groom, those of the parents on both sides 
should be included. Also it is customary to include in the invi- 
tations those friends who are in mourning, close business ac- 


[ 38 | 


quaintances, and even those who live at a distance, since the 
marriage invitation is used as an announcement. 

After the church list has been approved, it must be decided 
how many people can be asked to the reception. Over-crowding 
is fatal to enjoyment, and this list must be made out with this 
fact in mind. It is well to remember that the families of the 
wedding attendants must receive special attention, even though 
they are not well known to bride or groom. 

Unless pew cards are sent with the wedding invitations, another 
list must be made out for the ushers, indicating the guests who 
are to occupy the front pews. Relatives and intimate friends of 
the bride sit on the left hand of the centre aisle, and those of the 
groom on the right. 

The expenses of the wedding and reception are paid by the 
family of the bride. These include the invitations, the decora- 
tions of the church and house, the music, the awnings, the refresh- 
ments, the carriages or motors for the wedding party, and the 
fee to the sexton. It is customary for each member of the family 
to give the bride a gift. The bride herself gives to her brides- 
maids some small piece of jewelry which will act as a memento, 
and usually, though this is not shown, a present to the groom. 

The groom’s obligation is to fee the clergyman, to give a per- 
sonal gift, usually a piece of jewelry, to his bride, to provide her 
bouquet and the boutonniéres for his attendants, to pay for the 
marriage license, and naturally all expenses of the wedding trip. 
In some places the groom sends the bouquets to his bride’s at- 
tendants. In other places they are sent by the bride’s parents. 
But the groom must give a personal gift such as a pair of cuff-links 
to his ushers and to his best man. 

The bridal party may consist of the best man and from six to 
twelve ushers, a maid or matron of honor (scmetimes both). 
There may be from four to twelve bridesmaids of none. | 

The rehearsal fcr the wedding takes place the evening before 
the ceremony. It is especially important that the organist be 
present, and cn this occasion the ushers, as well as the bridesmaids 
tay be paired off according to their height. After the rehearsal 
the bride usually asks the wedding party to her house for a 


[39] 


supper party which may be a simple or an elaborate affair. 


The Day of the Wedding 


The maid of honor and the bridesmaids always meet at the 
house of the bride where they receive their bouquets and go from 
there to church. The bride’s mother drives away alone in the 
first car or carriage, the bridesmaids follow; and the bride either 
with her father or with the relative who is to “give her away” 
during the ceremony, goes last. 

Immediately upon the arrival of the bridal party, the doors 
are closed and no one is allowed to enter. The ushers draw the 
white ribbons down the aisles, and a moment before the organ 
starts the Bridal Chorus, the bride’s mother enters on the arm of 
the head usher who has charge of the arrangement of these things. 
As soon as the usher returns to the rear of the church, the sexton 
opens the doors and the organist begins the wedding march. The 
clergyman enters the church from the vestry; and the bridegroom 
and best man appear just back of him, walk to the chancel steps, 
and remain standing at the right of the aisle where they wait for 
the bride. The guests rise as the bridal party advances and stand 
throughout the ceremony, unless during a prayer. 

The wedding procession is as follows. The ushers lead two and 
two, leaving a space of four pews between each pair. They are 
followed by the bridesmaids, also walking two and two, the 
shortest pair in the lead. The maid or matron of honor walks 
alone, and if there are both, it is for the bride to decide which shall 
go first. The space between the maid of honor and the bride 
should be about haJf that between the ushers and the bridesmaids. 

The bride comes down the aisle on her father’s right arm or on 
that of her nearest male relative. Or if she has no close relative 
she may walk down the aisle alone, and her mother may step 
forward at the proper time to give her away. After doing this 
her mother retakes her seat in the front pew. 

As the procession reaches the chancel steps, it divides; half 
of the ushers going to the right, half to the left, and the brides- 
maids separating similarly and standing just before the ushers. 
The maid of honor stays at the foot of the steps and on 


[ 40 | 


the left, her position corresponding to that of the best man, who 
stands at the groom’s right. 

When the bride approaches the chancel steps, the groom takes 
one step forward. ‘The bride shifts her bouquet from her right 
hand to her left and gives her right hand to the groom. The 
father or whoever is giving her away, stands back and to the left 
of the bride and when the minister asks, ““Who giveth this Woman 
to be married to this Man,” he steps forward, takes the bride’s 
right hand and places it in that of the clergyman, who in turn 
places it in that of the groom. Then he turns and takes his 
place in the front left-hand pew which has been reserved for the 
bride’s immediate family. If the bride’s mother gives her away, 
then she remains in her pew until the question is asked. At that 
‘moment the mother steps forward and after the clergyman has 
taken the bride’s hand from her, she steps back into the pew. 

The bridesmaids never take the arms of the ushers either in 
walking up or down the aisle. 

During the ceremony, at the close of the first anthem, the 
bride hands her bouquet to the maid of honor who 1s standing at 
her left. The best man produces the ring when it is time for it. 
On her wedding day, the bride leaves off her engagement ring or 
wears it on her right hand so that the wedding ring may not be 
put on above the engagement ring. 

When the ceremony is over, the bride takes back her bouquet 
from her maid of honor, slips her left hand through her husband’s 
right arm, and she and her husband lead the party down the aisle. 
The maid of honor follows after, then the bridesmaids, then the 
ushers. Only the best man is absent for he has duties to attend to 
in the vestry room. 

The music should be a little faster when the bridal party walks 
down the aisle than when it was approaching the altar. As soon 
as the bride and her attendants are in the vestibule, the ushers 
hurry back to escort first the bride’s mother, then the groom’s, 
then the other occupants of the first pew on either side, and so on 
until the reserve pews have been emptied. Only after the families 
and intimate friends have been escorted out, may the other guests 
rise and leave the church. 


[41] 


THE INFORMAL WEDDING 


[HERE are degrees of informality in weddings as in everything 
else. They range from the so-called informal town-house 
wedding to weddings solemnized out-of-doors. 

For the invitations to the informal wedding there is no set form, 
as they are more or less as the bride wishes. 

The formal invitations may be used (except in the case of a 
wedding out under the trees), or it is entirely correct for the bride 
and her mother to write personal notes, asking the relatives and 
friends of the bride and groom to the ceremony and wedding 
breakfast. Announcements are more often used for the informal 
wedding than the formal, as frequently only a few of the friends of 
the bride and groom may be present. “Very often, for the out-of- 
town wedding, if the family of the bride is in a position to afford 
the extra expense, there is a special train or car provided to convey 
the guests. In this case the invitations contain small cards giving 
directions from what station the train leaves and the time of 
departure. Engraved on these cards are also the words, “‘Please 
present this card to the conductor.” 

The town-house wedding, although considered informal, is often 
only a step less formal than the large church affair, and may be as 
elaborate as circumstances allow as to decorations, music and the 
size of the wedding party. 

Next to this comes the country-church wedding, which is charm- 
ing and in-every respect satisfying. There is always something 
very lovely and simple about a ceremony held in a small country 
church—particularly so in the spring and fall when the decorations 
may be flowers and leaves which have been brought from the great 
out-of-doors rather than from a florist. 

The church wedding, whether it be formal or informal, in the 
country or in town, is conducted in more or less the same manner 
as to the seating of the guests by the ushers (unless there are to be 
no ushers, when the guests seat themselves) and the time and 
manner in which the minister, groom and best man enter the 
church, and the place where they are to stand, also the arrange- 
ment of the bride and her attendants in walking down the aisle. 


[42] 


The wedding held in the country house may carry out the same 
color scheme in decorations as that held in the church. It has 
proved most effective to have an aisle of flowers leading from the 
door through which the bride is to enter and extending to the im- 
provised altar in whatever part of the room it is placed. Another 
way to form an aisle is for the ushers and bridesmaids to walk in 
the regular formation, holding two long white ribbons or ropes of 
flowers in their hands. The first pair walks to the altar and 
separates. The next pair walks to within six feet of the first and 
separates, and so on, until an aisle is formed, the length of which 
must be regulated by the size of the room and the number of 
wedding attendants which the bride is to have. The bride’s 
mother, however, stands somewhere near the door to receive the 
guests, and just before the ceremony moves forward to the front, 
as she would do in church. 

There are many ways of making the part of the room in which 
the ceremony is to be held, very lovely. This may be done by 
having a canopy of flowers or a bower made of palms, ferns and 
smilax. 

Still another idea is a large bell-shaped piece which may be 
covered with white violets, white lilacs or daisies. Often a 
kneeling-stool or white satin cushion is laid on the floor on which 
the bride and groom may kneel. 

The clergyman, the bridegroom and the best man following, 
enter the room a few minutes before the bridal party. The 
clergyman faces the room, the bridegroom and the best man stand- 
ing on his left as at the church wedding. 

After the benediction and the congratulation of the minister 
who then retires, the groom kisses the bride, and they then turn 
to receive the good wishes of their relatives and friends. 

Very often at a simple home wedding, there are but two at- 
tendants, a maid or matron of honor and the best man. The 
number, like many other things about the informal wedding 1s 
~ determined by the personal tasce of the bride. 

The out-of-door wedding seems to be growing more and mere 
popular and deservedly so. But it presents one difficulty; that an 
alternative must be arranged for in case of rain. 


[ 43 | 


Correct Dress for the Wedding 


The white wedding gown and veil no matter how simple they 
may be, have become the traditional costume for the bride. The 
wedding veil is so becoming and so bride-like that any girl who can, 
should wear one. This is usually of tulle unless the bride is 
fortunate enough to have inherited a lace veil or to have one lent 
her for the occasion. Usually too, she wears white satin slippers 
and white silk hose although she may wear silver slippers. If the 
wedding is formal and if, as customarily, she wears white gloves, 
she slits the finger seam of the wedding finger. This is done that 
the ring may be put on without confusion or delay. She need 
wear no gloves at all at a small informal wedding. 

If the bride decides to wear a “going away” dress or suit, she 
must wear a hat, whether the wedding takes place in church or in 
her own home. Should she decide to wear flowers with this 
costume, she does not carry the conventional bridal bouquet, but 
wears a corsage bouquet of lilies-of-the-valley, sweet peas, or 
gardenias. If she prefers she may carry a prayer-book, but it 
should be a little daintier than the usual book of prayer. 

When a woman marries the second time, whether the ceremony 
is in the house or at church, she should never wear white. Her 
gown may be of any pastel shade, or she may wear a traveling 
dress of some darker shade. . 

The bride selects the dresses, hats, slippers, and-so on, which her 
attendants are to wear with no obligation on her. part to consult 
their tastes. Often, however, the style of the dresses and hats 
upon which, she has decided will have to be modified fer each 
attendant. 

If the hour set for the wedding is before six o’clock 1n the after- 
noon, the correct dress for the bridegroom is the formal day- 
dress. ‘This consists of a cutaway coat, dark striped gray trousers, 
a white waistcoat or one matching the coat, and a light gray or 
white Ascot or four-in-hand tie, gray suede gloves, patent-leather 
buttoned boots or low shoes with spats, and a top hat. 

If the wedding is to be in the evening, the bridegrocm should 
wear full evening dress,—black swallow-tailed coat, with trousers 


L 44 | 


of the same material, white silk or piqué waistcoat, with wing or 
straight collar, white bat-wing tie, white gloves, and patent- 
leather buttoned boots. 

The clothes of the best man and the ushers should correspond, as 
nearly as possible, in every detail to those of the bridegroom, 
whether the wedding is in the afternoon or evening. 

When the bride wears a dark suit or frock, the bridegroom 
dresses accordingly, wearing a plain dark-colored sack suit, white 
shirt, poke or turn-over collar, a tie of any quiet color, tan or gray 
gloves, and black boots. If he prefers, however, the boots may 
be substituted by shoes; spats may be worn with this costume. 

The bridegroom’s boutonniere is always taken from the bride’s 
bouquet, while those of the best man and ushers are of any white 
flower or flowers decided upon by the groom. 

The correct dress of women guests at a day wedding, whether 
the ceremony is performed in the house or at church, is an after- 
noon gown. White gloves are a part of the costume unless the 
wedding is an informal country wedding when no gloves are worn. 
It is obligatory to wear a hat. For the evening wedding, an even- 
ing gown is worn, and if the ceremony is performed in church, no 
matter what the type of dress, a hat is part of the costume. 


Duties of the Attendants 


Just how much responsibility the best man may assume depends 
entirely upon the wishes of the groom. He should, however, 
relieve his friend in as many ways as possible. During and after 
the ceremony he is the bridegroom’s chief executive. He should 
shoulder all the detail and see that the arrangements move without 
a hitch. It is his duty also to see that transportation tickets are 
bought and that seats, sleeping-coach section or staterooms are 
reserved several days in advance. He must also attend to the 
luggage, order the carriage and see that the flowers are delivered. 

To him are entrusted the ring and the fee for the clergyman. 
The fee he presents immediately after the ceremony. 

Ata church wedding the best man must take care of the groom’s 
hat and gloves during the ceremony. ‘These are not carried into 
the chancel, but left in the vestry until just before the end of the 


[45] 


service, when the hats and gloves of both the groom and best man 
are given to someone who takes them to the docr of the church 
and, as the bridal procession files out, delivers them to their owners. 

There are several ways that the maid of honor may assist the 
bride. At the altar, she holds the bride’s bouquet while the ring 
is being put on; and, if the bride wears a veil over the face, it is the 
duty of the maid of honor to see that itis properly adjusted. After 
the ceremony she also arranges the train and veil, as the bride 
turns, leaning on the arm of her husband, to face the congregation. 

The duties of the bridesmaids are to accept the honor of their 
roles, definitely and without delay; to fall in agreeably with the 
wishes of the bride; and unfailingly to be present at the rehearsal. 
Where they can afford it, it is the part of courtesy and friendship 
for them to give a luncheon or a dinner for the bride. But the 
compliment which has been paid them is quite a burden at the 
very least, for they must pay for every detail of their costume. 
Naturally, too they feel that they must send the bride a more 
lavish present than they would send were they mere invited guests. 


The Reception 


After the church ceremony, the bridal party and the guests 
return to the bride’s home, where the reception is to be held. 
If for any reason it is not possible to hold the reception there, a 
large private room at a hotel or country club may be engaged for 
that purpose. The room should be prettily decorated with 
flowers cr potted plants, and if the reception 1s to be a large one 
it is well to remove the smaller pieces of furniture. 

The parents of the bride stand together near the door by which 
the guests enter. Next to the bride’s mother stand the bride and 
groom, then the maid of honor, then the bridesmaids. "The mother 
of the groom should stand in the receiving line, either near the 
mother of the bride, or just beyond the wedding group. The 
father of the groom does not “receive,” but may move about, 
chatting with whom he likes. The ushers at first stand somewhere 
near the door to lead the guests along the receiving line, if it 
is desired; if not they make themselves attentive to the guests in 
any way they can. 


| 46] 


Should the bride or groom have any near relatives or intimate 
friends who have not taken part in the wedding ceremony, it is a 
PY ty courtesy to ask them also to receive in line. The guests 
p wn the receiving line, shaking hands with the wedding: 
p: -. nd stopping to say a few words of congratulation and good 
W to the bride and groom. The bride should present the 
b 
he 


ss dite al 


-room to any guests whom he does not already know, while 

2 takes equal care that all of his friends are presented to Fea bride. 

During the reception there may be music. Soon after all the 
gu ave arrived, the refreshments may be served. 

vedding breakfast or luncheon may be served, depending 

01 < wize of the room, either from a buffet—the guests sitting 


rc |! the room and the waiters passing the different courses—or 
\ tab! 5. Place-cards are not necessary as the seating of 

pth _sts is eft to their own choice. 
_ * sles! ald be reserved for the wedding party, which must be 
I. o.. + to accommodate whatever number of attendants 
t t d, if the bride wishes, her own immediate family and 

ths: the groom. 

This »>ble should be placed in the center or at one end of the 
dining n, and decorated with the same flower scheme as has 


been c 1 throughout the wedding. 
An ap, 2riate menu for a wedding breakfast is:. 


Consommé en Tasse 


Cold Boned Chicken in Aspic Sauce Tartare 
Creamed Asparagus in Patty Shells 
: Bread Sticks Olives 
Ices 
Bride’s Cake Small Cakes 
Coffee 


Other menus with recipes and directions for serving, are given 
in our bookle‘. ““What to Serve at Parties.” 

According vv an old custom, the bride, when she goes upstairs to 
change to traveling dress, may toss her bouquet from the stair 
landing to the bridesmaids who stand below waiting to catch it. 
Whoever secures the bouquet is destined to be the next bride. 


| 47 | 


The Question of Presents 


Many times the questions are asked: ‘““When is it necessary to 
send a present?” And, “If one is invited to the church only, 
must a present be sent?” 

When one is invited merely to the church, and the acquaintance 
with the bride and groom or their families is of the most formal, 
there rests no obligation to send a gift. If, however, the invitation 
contains a card for the reception, one must acknowledge this 
courtesy by sending a present, and it is always necessary to send 
a present if one is invited to a house wedding. It need be neither 
expensive nor elaborate, but it should express some consideration 
for the taste of the bride, since all wedding gifts are hers. me 

The present should be sent to the address of the bride within a 
few days from the time the invitation is received. If it is to be 
marked, it must be with the present initials of the bride, not with 
those of her future name. With her present, a married wom: a' 
encloses a double card reading “Mr. and Mrs. John Henry Turner” : 
or else she encloses her husband’s card with her own. 

If a present is delayed until after the wedding, it should be 
accompanied by a short note of explanation. 7 
As the wedding gifts arrive, they should be unwrapped and pile 
in whatever room has been reserved for them. The bride, or some 
member of her family, should paste a number on the back of the 
present and write in the book opposite the corresponding number 

the name of the sender and a description of the gift. 

The note of acknowledgment should be sent off as soon i 
possible after the receipt of the gift, and must be written by the 
bride personally. It will not do for her to telephone her thanks, or 
to detail the duty to someone else, or to leave the expression of her 
gratitude until such time as she can give it orally. 

The note should not be long, but should be written with evident 
appreciation. Correspondence cards or the usual white noeee 
paper should be used for the note of acknowledgment. 


} 


eae 


011 


